"Call me Boo-Boo Kitty Fuck, Bitch" - Justice (Jay & Silent Bob Strikes Back)
"Making a male climax isn't at all challenging" - Dante (Clerks)
"My love for you is like a truck... Berserker! Would yo like some making fuck? Berserker!" (Clerks)
"This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers" - Randall (Clerks)
"You are a danger to both the dead and the living" - Dante (Clerks)
"Shit, my mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him 'Dad.'" - Randall (Clerks)
"Melodrama comin' from you seems about as natural as an oral bowel movement." - Randall (Clerks)
"Why are you late?" "Because the bell rang before I got here." - Richard Clark & Natalie (High School High)
- Losing is the same as winning ony with fewer points
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name
- Use me like you don't even know me
- The great thing about multitasking is that several things can go wrong at once
- Remember, You are unique...just like everyone else.
- Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect
- Capitalization is the difference between "Helping your uncle Jack off a horse" and "helping your uncle jack off a horse"
- Don't kid yourself. If a cow got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about.
- Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
- Some people are a solar powered flashlight in a pitch black room
- Yay sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!
- To error is human, to really mess up takes a computer.
- The reason some people are alive is simply because it's against the law to kill them
- I have morals, they're just subject to revision as the situation dictates.
- Friends are God's way of apologizing for our families
- Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
- It wasnt my ear you whispered into, but my heart. It wasnt my lips you kissed, but my soul.
- Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. And dance like no one is watching.
- I'd like to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming in terror like the passengers on his bus.
- Consiousness - that annoying time between naps
- So..... The Ebola virus...... That's gotta suck, huh?
- If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone. And yet you are alone. So very alone.
- That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.
- Your either a Pencil or an Eraser, creating or destroying.
- If you're not Completly Appaled you haven't been paying attention.
- To the world you may be One Person, but to One Person You may be the World.
- I know you won't fail, because when I look at you I see the one I love.
- Good looks catch the eye, but a good personality catches the heart; you are blessed with both.
- Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
- Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.
- I saw on this nature show how the male elk douss himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!
- If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
- Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
- Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
- When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
- I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
- "If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something." - Deep Thoughts
- "It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man." - Deep Thoughts
- "Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, 'Think again, bat man.'" - Deep Thoughts
- "Laurie got offended that I used the word 'puke.' But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like." - Deep Thoughts
- "We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town."- Deep Thoughts
- "I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend." - Deep Thoughts
- "Some motherfucker's always trying to ice skate up hill" - Wesley Snipes [Blade]
- "I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that." - John Cusak [Say Anything]
- "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." - Steven Wright
- "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." - Steven Wright
- "I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone." - Steven Wright
- "I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time." - Steven Wright
- Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!
- You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing
- How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
- Well this day was a total waste of make-up
- Well, aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?
- Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
- Do I look like a fucking people person?!
- This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting
- I started out with nothing; still have most of it left
- I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed
- And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be...?
- I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
- Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed
- Do they ever shut up on your planet?
- I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable
- Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet
- Don't worry. I forgot your name too
- I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
- I work 45 hours a week to be this poor
- Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it
- Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
- Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
- Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done.
- You look like shit. Is that the style now?
- Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
- I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert
- A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth
- You are depriving some village of an idiot
- If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
'Cuz the cat had pounced on him
and tore him apart-
Ate his mousey intestines
And chewed up his heart.
Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
which made him take pause-
He stopped daintily lickng
the blood from his claws.
"Must be Santa" thought Kitty
(that quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
the chimney like that.
Indeed it was ol' Santa,
so jolly and fat
With a load of presents
and all for the cat!
"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
and shed some more fur.
Yeah, YOU might not think it's much of a poem, but then, you're not a cat!
One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
One was blind and the other couldn't see,
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play
And two lame men came to carry them away.
A paralyzed donkey passing by
Kicked the blind man in the eye.
Knocked him through a nine-inch wall
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
A deaf policeman heard the noise
And came and killed the two dead boys.
The mute psychotic shrieked in fright
With words of joy at this ghastly sight.
If you don't believe this lie is true
Ask the blind man; he saw it too.
As I was walking up the stair,
I saw a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today
Oh how I wish he'd go away.
The famous speaker who no one had heard of said:
Ladies and gentleman, hobos and tramps,
Cross-eyed mosquitos and bow-legged ants,
I stand before you to sit behind you
To tell you something I know nothing about.
Next Thursday, which is Good Friday,
There's a Mother's Day meeting for fathers only;
Wear your best clothes if you haven't any.
Please come if you can't; if you can, stay at home.
Admission is free, so pay at the door;
Pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
It makes no difference where you sit,
The man in the gallery's sure to spit.
The show is over, but before you go
Let me tell you a story I don't really know.
Early this morning, late this night,
An empty truck loaded with bricks
Almost killed my dead cat.
We rushed him to the hospital,
Slow as we could
Only to find King Arthur
Sitting at the fourth corner of the round table
Eating vinegar with a fork.
I am Wolf.
It is my cry you hear in the night,
My eyes that gaze at you from the shadows.
It is my heart that beats in your Soul,
My strength that makes you whole.
I am Wolf. I am in you.
You are in Me. We Are Wolf.
It is in my nature to be kind, gentle, and loving.
But know this: When it comes to matters of protecting my friends, my family, or my heart, do not trifle with me, for I am also the most powerful and relentless creature you will ever know.
This page was last modified on 01/01/2011
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